Friends can't help but notice I seem to be spending half my time in hospital at the moment having tests and, caring and concerned, they want to know about it. I vaguely mutter things about "womens bits" and "its nothing sinister" and tell them its boring and change the subject. One of the many things that is hard is accepting that for the first time, this is something that is due to bits of me wearing out and no longer functioning properly for all sorts of reasons and IT ISN'T GOING TO GET BETTER.
Always before, things got better. They could fix it and then it was just a case of getting fit again. This time they can tinker with it, repair it, do some incredibly basic, practical quick fixes, but they can never make it better.
But its not all bad, this old age business................today I got my new railcard. As a newly qualified state pensioner I can trade in my bus pass and get the railcard for £9. And was ever £9 better spent!!! So I get 1/3 off all rail fares and can gad off all over the place (and I am a big rail traveller). NO complaints there! Neither are there any complaints about my state pension arriving every month - enough money to feed and clothe me and pay the bills will be deposited in my account for the rest of my life. It feels like a validation of what I've done with my life, like "they" are saying that I've done my bit, been a good girl and have earned the right to relax and enjoy life with none of this work hassle. Can't stop grinning in fact!
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