another test, more indignity. but this time its different. I so nearly chickened out of this one - its not been so bad, i mustn't make a fuss, other people have worse than me, i mustn't use up NHS resources........and then I thought, well, maybe in 6 months it will be back with a vengeance making my life a misery and then I'd regret not being on that waiting list to get it sorted.
so i went. and the procedure was hardly under way when the doctor suddenly announced it was done, test finished - because he knew (and could show me on the screen) exactly what was causing the trouble and would be able to inform the surgeon exactly what to do to fix it.
fix it! fix it............after 10 years! before i left, in a complete daze, the nurse said "you know I bet 4 out of 10 people you know have much the same problem". but we never talk about it. never admit to it.
well I'm going to now. they have convinced me I am normal, OK, and what's more fixable!!!
more anon!
Wednesday, 18 June 2014
Friday, 13 June 2014
indignities
Another hospital appointment, another procedure, more indignity. trudge to hospital, dressing gown in a shoulder bag, navigate to X-ray department. Clothes off, gown on, dressing gown on (to hide the unappealing sight of my back view through the slit in the gown). Quick few drops of Rescue Remedy (it really does help - its supposed to contain alcohol - is it just the alcohol? Can 2 tiny drops of alcohol do that?)
And do you know, it was fine. Interesting. No indignity, just very professional people doing their jobs well and treating me as a rational and functional human being, explaining everything as we went along, encouraging me to take part, to take control, to understand and to learn to manage my condition.
Do you know what a prolapse is? its when any or all of your uterus, bladder or rectum collapses into your vagina. Its not life-threatening but you find yourself being incredibly careful when you cough or even laugh in case it all falls right out and you are left with bits of your insides greeting you in a way that nature never intended. It means that what collects in your bladder or rectum can bulge into your uterus and then not be able to escape out as it should - so you can be desperate for a pee and nothing happens. At the moment its all held nicely in place by a wonderful, non-technical and extremely effective rubber ring (it looks just like the rings you chuck for the dog to bring back to you), but this lovely ring can't fix the weaknesses and ineffectivenesses of the opening of the bladder, or indeed the rectum so that what was once nicely held in until I decided it should come out, can sometimes leak out unprompted by me. and even, unknown by me.
No fun at all.
And sometimes its hard knowing exactly what is going on, which is scary and humiliating. Hence all these undignified tests and procedures. And I am finding a branch of our much-maligned National Health Service where wonderful people treat me with respect and care and are determined to find out what is going on, what can be done, and to give me the opportunity to make informed choices about what to do and take back control of my body and my future.
The woman told me yesterday that lots of women happily decide not to have surgery, happily leak wee as a matter of course and carry on with their lives using pads, and even, she said, she really said this, live with a prolapse that has come right out of their body - just carry on with life and elect not to have surgery to put it right. Astounding.
So I spent 20 minutes watching my bladder working via a TV monitor and learning all sorts of things about my body in the process. We are so lucky to have access to this sort of stuff.
And do you know, it was fine. Interesting. No indignity, just very professional people doing their jobs well and treating me as a rational and functional human being, explaining everything as we went along, encouraging me to take part, to take control, to understand and to learn to manage my condition.
Do you know what a prolapse is? its when any or all of your uterus, bladder or rectum collapses into your vagina. Its not life-threatening but you find yourself being incredibly careful when you cough or even laugh in case it all falls right out and you are left with bits of your insides greeting you in a way that nature never intended. It means that what collects in your bladder or rectum can bulge into your uterus and then not be able to escape out as it should - so you can be desperate for a pee and nothing happens. At the moment its all held nicely in place by a wonderful, non-technical and extremely effective rubber ring (it looks just like the rings you chuck for the dog to bring back to you), but this lovely ring can't fix the weaknesses and ineffectivenesses of the opening of the bladder, or indeed the rectum so that what was once nicely held in until I decided it should come out, can sometimes leak out unprompted by me. and even, unknown by me.
No fun at all.
And sometimes its hard knowing exactly what is going on, which is scary and humiliating. Hence all these undignified tests and procedures. And I am finding a branch of our much-maligned National Health Service where wonderful people treat me with respect and care and are determined to find out what is going on, what can be done, and to give me the opportunity to make informed choices about what to do and take back control of my body and my future.
The woman told me yesterday that lots of women happily decide not to have surgery, happily leak wee as a matter of course and carry on with their lives using pads, and even, she said, she really said this, live with a prolapse that has come right out of their body - just carry on with life and elect not to have surgery to put it right. Astounding.
So I spent 20 minutes watching my bladder working via a TV monitor and learning all sorts of things about my body in the process. We are so lucky to have access to this sort of stuff.
Wednesday, 4 June 2014
a catalogue of errors
Hmmm. this blog about the 2 things I need to deal with in my otherwise contented life turns out to be a place to explore a separate, fundamental and ongoing thing.
Last week my son spent a good hour on the phone cataloging my errors, failings and general uselessness as a human being. Not much fun. And however much I tell myself he's being an arrogant teenager (well, he's more than a teenager but you wouldn't know it sometimes) and is busy trying to work out who he is and how he relates to the world, and to hanging on to a form of being that he has managed to forge for himself in this hostile world and probably desperate that I don't disapprove, and using attack as the best form of defence - I just grieve for my intelligent, talented, thoughtful son - the person I laughed with and who talked to me and shared his plans and dreams, the person who was such delightful company and so enriched my life, and who could have done anything. God how I miss him.
Of course he had to go - that isn't the problem, at all, it was never a question of me wanting him not to go off and live his life - quite the opposite. He could have done anything - he didn't have to be "a success" to gain my approval and I was happy for him to follow any path he chose. Except of course this one - drinking to excess, living for instant gratification, possibly - oh god I hope not probably - taking drugs, wasting money, not following any passion or career path - well, not in any way that will lead to anything that I can understand................Even that would all be OK. well, OK-ish, if it wasn't for this hostility, this seeming need to put me in my place and blame me for any estrangement between us, and always seemingly unprompted - I don't criticise him, don't tell him how to live his life, it just seems to come out of the blue.
And of course, my upbringing and subsequent zero self esteem doesn't help. Its a long time since I've felt such a mess.
Ah well. I have booked my ticket for 3 months on the other side of the world later this year and will hang on to that and to all it will bring. I will escape my mother and hopefully live with my embarrassing and inconvenient medical issue and find a path where I feel I have a right to be here and make a contribution just by being myself.
Last week my son spent a good hour on the phone cataloging my errors, failings and general uselessness as a human being. Not much fun. And however much I tell myself he's being an arrogant teenager (well, he's more than a teenager but you wouldn't know it sometimes) and is busy trying to work out who he is and how he relates to the world, and to hanging on to a form of being that he has managed to forge for himself in this hostile world and probably desperate that I don't disapprove, and using attack as the best form of defence - I just grieve for my intelligent, talented, thoughtful son - the person I laughed with and who talked to me and shared his plans and dreams, the person who was such delightful company and so enriched my life, and who could have done anything. God how I miss him.
Of course he had to go - that isn't the problem, at all, it was never a question of me wanting him not to go off and live his life - quite the opposite. He could have done anything - he didn't have to be "a success" to gain my approval and I was happy for him to follow any path he chose. Except of course this one - drinking to excess, living for instant gratification, possibly - oh god I hope not probably - taking drugs, wasting money, not following any passion or career path - well, not in any way that will lead to anything that I can understand................Even that would all be OK. well, OK-ish, if it wasn't for this hostility, this seeming need to put me in my place and blame me for any estrangement between us, and always seemingly unprompted - I don't criticise him, don't tell him how to live his life, it just seems to come out of the blue.
And of course, my upbringing and subsequent zero self esteem doesn't help. Its a long time since I've felt such a mess.
Ah well. I have booked my ticket for 3 months on the other side of the world later this year and will hang on to that and to all it will bring. I will escape my mother and hopefully live with my embarrassing and inconvenient medical issue and find a path where I feel I have a right to be here and make a contribution just by being myself.
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