a catalogue of errors

Hmmm. this blog about the 2 things I need to deal with in my otherwise contented life turns out to be a place to explore a separate, fundamental and ongoing thing.

Last week my son spent a good hour on the phone cataloging my errors, failings and general uselessness as a human being.  Not much fun.  And however much I tell myself he's being an arrogant teenager (well, he's more than a teenager but you wouldn't know it sometimes) and is busy trying to work out who he is and how he relates to the world, and to hanging on to a form of being that he has managed to forge for himself in this hostile world and probably desperate that I don't disapprove, and using attack as the best form of defence - I just grieve for my intelligent, talented, thoughtful son - the person I laughed with and who talked to me and shared his plans and dreams, the person who was such delightful company and so enriched my life, and who could have done anything. God how I miss him.

Of course he had to go - that isn't the problem, at all, it was never a question of me wanting him not to go off and live his life - quite the opposite.  He could have done anything - he didn't have to be "a success" to gain my approval and I was happy for him to follow any path he chose.  Except of course this one - drinking to excess, living for instant gratification, possibly - oh god I hope not probably - taking drugs, wasting money, not following any passion or career path - well, not in any way that will lead to anything that I can understand................Even that would all be OK. well, OK-ish, if it wasn't for this hostility, this seeming need to put me in my place and blame me for any estrangement between us, and always seemingly unprompted - I don't criticise him, don't tell him how to live his life, it just seems to come out of the blue.

And of course, my upbringing and subsequent zero self esteem doesn't  help.  Its a long time since I've felt such a mess.

Ah well. I have booked my ticket for 3 months on the other side of the world later this year and will hang on to that and to all it will bring.  I will escape my mother and hopefully live with my embarrassing and inconvenient medical issue and find a path where I feel I have a right to be here and make a contribution just by being myself.